Dear Mr. C. Roach,
Letters shouldn’t start with an apology and should always check on the recipient’s health before anything else. That’s writing etiquette. So I hope and wish that you’re doing good at the time of reading this letter.
I’m sorry that your very first encounter with me in your lifetime turned out to be so unpleasant and tragic. I don’t usually come out as a cruel, inhuman person to others. What happened earlier today was a rarity and I must unapologetically mention to you that your audacity was the primary trigger.
I accept that my room isn’t one of the cleanest out there, but it is quite clean for a bachelor’s room and I don’t typically see organisms larger than a mosquito except me. Yes, now and then, I do see a house lizard roaming around, but they don’t mess with me, I don’t mess with them. It’s just unnegotiated cohabitation. That, however, doesn’t mean I would cooperate the same way with every species on the planet. Let me remind you that I don’t cooperate with my own species when it comes to such matters.
You, sir, didn’t just invade my privacy and territory, but audaciously sat on my eye when I was sleeping. I’m not sure if you realize, I was having a dream. I’m not sure if the dream was a pleasant one or not, I’m not sure because it was abruptly cut short as your unwarranted presence, rather invasion of my private territory woke me up from my sleep.
Sir, I don’t know about you or your intentions, but I know that those belonging to your species often punish humans for no reason.
Some of you find free wings to fly in the summer and scare the shit out of us, I mean have you ever seen one of us flying into your world like an aeroplane, to sit on your face? No, we don’t do that.
Some of you have entered people’s ears and noses and stayed in their skulls and even laid eggs in there, causing extreme pain and trouble to such people. Do you feel their pain? Can you?
We allow you to occupy our kitchens and don’t always weed you out by spraying at you as we don’t want to keep seeing dead bodies around us every morning, but such dastardly act by you deserves nothing other than death.
I have been sleeping on the mattress, laid on the floor, for years together. Some of your ancestors surely crawled onto my mattress, under the sheets and may be tickled my feet or ran on my legs before I shooed them away. Such incidents have happened in the past, may be 4 or 5 times. Never have any of them climbed onto my face and sat on my eyes.
Rather than owning up to your fault or fighting me, you chose to run away and hide behind bookshelf. Such a cowardly act only adds to the list of crimes you have committed today.
When I moved the bookshelf, I gave you about 30 seconds to escape, you didn’t even realize that I knew you were there. I’m not sad that your life had to end like this, I have tried my best to be not ruthless, I’ve only given you death by broom and not something more painful. I haven’t poisoned you, that should ensure that you don’t take a few of your friends along with you for no fault of theirs.
As you breathe your last, I’d suggest you to leave a message to your friends, may be shout out in your roach language to them, ask them not to mess with me.
I don’t believe in God, heaven or afterlife, but would still like to pray for your peace. May your soul rest in peace.
Your murderer & nemesis,