I woke up today to a gloomy, cloudy, chilled morning. Time was 9.25 AM (Yeah, I sleep late and wake up late). It’s 9.54 AM now. I’m still lazing around in the bed, rolling, stretching, unable to keep both my eyes open at the same time. My thumbs are moving up and down the mobile screen, the open eye is reading the latest news and then blogs on WordPress. When I’m finished, I realize my eyes are hurting, and I’m feeling very “un”fresh. (That’s a new word there!) My mind feels tired. Ugh! Stressed out, yet again!

This week has been troublesome and gruelling. Parents left for Shivamogga on Monday noon when I was in office. So this whole week has pretty much been “Wake up, grab a brush and put a little make up, hide the scars to fade away the shakeup, why’d you leave the keys upon the table, here you go create another fable

I know it sounds irrelevant. What I meant is my life has become ChopSuey. Mixed-up. So the whole week has been pretty much “Wake up, water the plants, prepare breakfast, eat, take a bus to the cab pick-up point, then the cab to office, slog for the next eight hours with little breaks and a hell lot of calls, juggle between a hundred work-items that you’re handling, some that you’ve to do, others that you’ve to get done, and at the end of the work day wade through the traffic to reach home late, prepare dinner, eat, watch a little TV or may be a movie and then go to bed wondering if I’m getting back to the days of routines and if I’ll be able to meet my commitment of blogging consistently.”

Work has been so hectic, thanks to the awful project planning by my ill-experienced (mis)manager. I’m slogging to catch up with the analysts of other teams who are used to the jargons involved in the particular project, each of them familiar with the business aspect of it for more than a decade now while I am “ramping up” only from two weeks now. Being both the systems analyst and developer on the project, I’m expected to do it all – know the business, find the gaps in the system and fix the code so that it meets the business requirements. Working on a code that belongs to a system that’s 20-25 years old is neither fun nor easy. It’s taxing. Heck! I was even dreaming about the code before I woke up today. When you see software code in your dream, it means you’re mind has gone bust!!

Could I’ve managed it better? No. There’s no way out of this routine. Not until parents come back. Not until someone can cook your breakfast and dinner.

My parents are getting old though. A myriad of health problems has bogged my mom down mentally and physically. There’s only little energy and life left in her. Dad, on the other hand, does his bit in running the kitchen of the house as well as day to day household, but can’t take too much of it being diabetic and a heart-patient (That’s the term we Indians use to describe someone ailing from a cardiovascular condition or who has undergone a heart related surgery). 

So I wonder, if getting married is the solution, like almost every Tom, Dick and Harry suggests. My official stance about getting married is “never getting married”. Yeah, I am a broken-hearted survivor, but my stance has more to do with losing faith in such relationships and in the institution of marriage (although I’ve never been married). Yes, it has worked magic for most humans, not to me, not as much.

The typical scene you’d want in such a scenario is “The wife will cook and take care of the parents while I earn.” Times are changing. It’s hard to find someone who’d not want to work herself. Not that I don’t support it, in fact, I believe in pure gender equality. But then, there are ground realities that one cannot forget. Indian society has its own ways, breaking away from your parents isn’t very easy – before marriage or after. In such a situation, you’d really want someone to stay at home while the other works outside. And if you do find such a person, the chances of your parents and your wife living peacefully under the same roof is vague. You’ll have to move out, find a roof for your wife and you, paying one tenth of your salary as the “advance” (security deposit). And then your aspirations and her aspirations become our aspirations which have to be met. All those come at a cost – financial, physical and mental. There’s a layoff threat and I am increasingly growing sick of the corporate world. I’d wanna move to a village, to a different line of work, something involving social work, writing or photography. I know I can’t commit to a relationship and take the responsibilities that come with it. No I’m not an escapist, I’m an introvert, self-control, dreamer and marriage just doesn’t suit me.

So what should I do? It’s 10.33 AM. I should now cook something for breakfast after watering the plants.

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