“What’s with the attitude?” said he. “I’m what I am” said I.
Ego clashes aren’t uncommon in my life. It’s a hereditary quality in my family. The kind of ego that I’ve isn’t the one which prevents me from saying “sorry” even when I’m wrong! It’s the one where I’d not take the first step to befriend someone. The one which makes me not heed to someone’s suggestion even if it’s in my best interests. The one which makes people call me an “A**HOLE!”
But my “attitude” is not just about ego. It’s more than that. It’s the set of principles that I built myself upon. My dad is a person of strong principles. He’s someone who has never taken a bribe in his 41 years of career. He doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink. He has his negatives in the sense that he’s short tempered. He’s quite forward in his thinking when compared to those who’re younger to him, but his background ensures that there’s a bit of conservative behavior left in him. While I surely haven’t learnt all qualities of his, most of what I’m derives from him. As part of this inheritance, I’ve received ego and an “I don’t care!” attitude from him.
“I don’t care!” eventually developed into a “I don’t give a f**k!” attitude in me. Recently, I was going through a few stuff written in my slam books from school and college days.. Here are some excerpts from that slam book:
- “Well frankly I wudn call a complete person coz u have a lot of things which feel you got to (change) improve on ………. you dunt have control over your mood and at times you hurt your frenz becoz of your temper.”
- “There are certain things in your which I didn’t kinda like – sometimes your ‘I-know-it-all’ attitude made me feel quite uncomfortable while giving you instructions while doing work. Pls try see to it that people love you for your knowledge and wisdom rather than hating u.”
- “But sumtimes u get angry very soon which I feel u should try 2 improve..”
- “You make me think twice to say anything to you. You still are somewhere and somewhat unapproachable. If you can cut down on that, then you are GR8….”
These things have been written by people whom I met in different phases of my life, during different times and in different circumstances. Some were 23 when they wrote it while I was still 20. Some were 16 when they wrote it and I was, well, 16! Yet, when I do a SWOT analysis of all the testimonials, the weaknesses and threats highlighted by all these people are common.
It’s apparent that this “attitude” of mine did make some uncomfortable and some others felt threatened. Most of these people aren’t in touch anymore, some of them are. And they know by now that I haven’t shown an iota of change in me! Disappointing!
Even the best of my friends talk about my attitude and consider me to be a BIIIIIG A-Hole! They even claim that they hate me for that! In fact, over a period of time, I’ve only seen myself isolating from a hell lot of people, and vice versa, because my ways don’t gel well with theirs! Yet, that attitude in life has brought me to this point in life, hasn’t it?
True, I’m not the most successful person out there! I didn’t score a top rank in the university, I am not pursuing higher studies in a European university, I’m not a successful musician, not a successful lover, not a successful software engineer and not even a successful blogger!
Then why don’t I change? Because I don’t see the need to. I really believe humans can never be perfect. Life is a journey where we try to achieve that perfection. Let’s handle this in a slightly better manner, let’s improve that a little bit for now – that’s how life actually is! That attitude of mine did cause me quite a few troubles, but they’ve all been lessons in life. Perfection is not something you can achieve when you’re 25. My dad isn’t perfect at 62 and I believe he’s more righteous than 95% of the dads we can find in this world! I know I’m exaggerating, but still.
It’s our straight-forward approach, our in-your-face attitude, our ability to speak out the truth without hesitating and without caring to save someone from a little bit of hurt that get targeted by people.
Like I said, it doesn’t mean I can come out clean. It’s just that I don’t have to! We humans don’t have to be politically right in everything. It’s okay to err, it’s okay to have flaws! You can’t divorce your husband just only because he has a foul mouth. You can’t ditch your girlfriend only because she discriminates people based on caste! We shouldn’t try to change someone.
While I know in my heart that I’m a better person than what I was, I didn’t have to “change” myself drastically to do that. I didn’t have to ditch that infamous attitude of mine. I still believe that I would not have been the person I am, had I ditched that attitude somewhere. My “attitude” defines me, and I believe “it’s okay!”. I only had to tame it!
The change always happens on the inside, from the inside. It’s only time and experience that can teach you to leave your bad qualities behind, to polish your soul. Not a sermon like this!