ConfusedHead! Yeah, that’s me. Because I don’t know what to do with myself. Because I don’t know where my life’s headed. I’m confused. Always. Yet, when you talk to me you’ll feel I’m pretty sure about what I’m doing and where I’m heading. Confused again!

I’m surrounded by people who have definite goals in their lives. People who know what they want do with their careers, with their own personal lives. Some have decided when to marry. Some know that they want to study, do a PhD or a Masters. Some want to grow in their career and be experts in what they do.

Back in school, when we used to fill up the “slam books” every year, I used to fill the “Ambitions” section with “I will be a Chartered Accountant”. Yeah right! C.A. It wasn’t because I knew what a Chartered Accountant does for a living, I didn’t. It’s probably because that was a profession I knew other than being a Superintendent of Central Excise and a doctor. I knew the former as it was a post my father held when I was in class X and knew the latter because we were regular guests at clinics!

The dream of becoming a Chartered Accountant took a setback when my mother didn’t approve of it, albeit in a subtle and non-pressurizing way. I pursued the Science stream, my class X score – 81%, demanded Science stream. Anything else, it’d be an insult to the score. The only subjects that interested me in those two years were English and Informatics Practices (a fancy name chosen by CBSE for Information Technology). These were subjects where I scored well. Both allowed me to be creative. The other demons – Physics, Chemistry and Mathematics – chased me around for two years like a bunch of wolves. I was almost eaten. While Physics didn’t trouble me much, the other two ate half of me. I even flunked in Mathematics – a subject I always thought I loved. To hell with them!

So when I told my Mathematics teacher that I’d be pursuing BSc, he doubted whether I could do it. BSc’s Mathematics is known to be tougher than the one in B.E. I scored well, even without attending classes. I bunked most of the first semester and the entire second semester. Yet, ‘distinction’ in studies wouldn’t let me go. I got bored and made a decision to B.E.

A year was lost, some knowledge and friends were gained, some money wasted. I moved to Hassan to pursue B.E. in Automobile – a field I thought interested me because bikes and cars were what we brothers discussed at home. I had been watching Formula 1 since 1999. That kinda assured my inner self that I love the field. Did I? I don’t know.

The affair I had with programming kept haunting me. So I was sure that I’ll end up in IT. I enjoyed programming. I enjoyed working on computers. It was fun. And so, 4 years later, when I was placed in Accenture and I celebrated even as my father felt I was doing injustice to the field I had chosen in Engineering.

I spent 3.5 years in Accenture and excelled at work. I gained a lot of knowledge and applied it well to earn accolades from the clients and my employer too. I was even awarded the highest award an employee could get. But somewhere inside, I started feeling worn out. The company was good, but I wanted to learn more. I required change. I switched.

I joined Fidelity Investments thinking I’ll learn more and enjoy my stay here. I thought wrong. While I have been learning about non-banking financial services ever since I joined, I haven’t enjoyed the stay as much. Initially I thought it was the team and the work that I do. Then I thought it was the company. After spending a year and a half here, I now know that the problem lies within. It’s me. My confused head. Fickle-minded mind of mine!

My brain needs a change now. But I can’t give it freedom from being a programmer now. That’s my bread and butter. Being a programmer allows me to feed my stomach and keep my bones in place apart from amassing some fat around my waist! It also allows me to pay my bills, especially that hefty EMI for my Thar. I can’t quit now.

My mind has been craving a life where I own a small piece of land, grow some stuff for a living, enjoy evenings sitting in the porch of my small house, savouring some Scotch-On-The-Rocks-In-A-Crystal-Clear-Glass, soothing music from the 70s playing in the background, a novel in my hand, my body seated and rocking in an armchair..

If I have to give myself a life like that, I can’t retire yet! There’s still a lot of earnings and a lot more of savings to do. So how do keep this ConfusedHead happy?

I’ve been reading books, watching good movies, going on long drives. I have been fixing the flaws in my life’s story. Yet my mind’s not satisfied. It won’t feel satiated. So I have been listing out things I’d want to do. While the list itself is incomplete as of now, the first thing that featured on that list was to study further. And what did my mind want to study? PhD? MS? M.Tech? Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaa….

B.A.(Majors) in Sociology.